November 2006

YOUNG LAWYERS

The Truth About Having It All…

By Jennifer Hilsabeck, Esq., Young Lawyers Section Chair

Before I begin, first allow me to apologize for my recent absence from this monthly column.  As I mentioned briefly in July’s article, I was pregnant with twins, who arrived a bit early and after a longer than anticipated stay in the hospital, are home and (thankfully) doing very well. 

As the end of my maternity leave draws near, I find myself thinking about the challenges of balancing a successful career and a successful family life and how best to address them both.  Each of us, as professionals, must balance different aspects of our lives on a regular basis.  The demands of a career in the law are great and many times other elements of who we are must suffer.  After all, who hasn’t blown off a friend, family member or significant other because of a heavy work load?  Each time we do this, we tell ourselves that this is the last time and that from now on we will be better about prioritizing and managing our time, etc.., but the truth is, sacrifices such as these are inevitable. 

This reminded me of a story (as most things often do).  Last year I had the opportunity to speak at the National Asian Pacific Bar Association’s (NAPABA) annual conference in Chicago, Illinois through my work with the American Bar Association’s Young Lawyer’s Division.  I was giving a presentation on how to recruit and retain members in local NAPABA affiliates.  After my presentation, there was a panel of former and current NAPABA leaders who were presenting a roundtable discussion on the topic of leadership issues in general.  The panel was made up of equal parts male and female participants, as was the audience.  Midway through the discussion, an audience member directed a question which at first seemed rather innocuous – “Do you think it is really possible to have it all: professional success and personal happiness?”

The panel members had a variety of answers, each in keeping with their respective personal experiences.  Although each of the individuals had a different story to tell, a common theme was definitely emerging:  in order to achieve the level of success that each of them had enjoyed professionally, a significant amount of personal sacrifice had been required.  This sacrifice included forgoing time with loved ones as well as giving up treasured hobbies and free time activities.  As I looked around the room at the other audience members, I could see from the number of nodding heads that what was being said was ringing true with the majority of them, myself included.

Then an elderly gentleman quietly rose from the audience and asked to speak.  He said that he had been an attorney for most of his life and couldn’t remember a time when he wasn’t working hard – he was working hard as a young boy to get good grades in school, then working hard as a young man to get good grades in college and in law school and finally working hard during his career in the law.  He didn’t question his motivation – he wanted to be successful, which is what everyone should want for themselves.  During this time, he married and had a son, which only increased his desire to work hard and succeed.  After all, wasn’t it expected of him that he provide well for his wife and child?  Many years later, when his son was a grown man and expecting a child of his own, he came to his father and told him how alone he’d felt growing up without his father present.  He told his father that he had missed him terribly as a boy and desperately longed for them to spend time together.  As this elderly gentleman was recounting this deeply private conversation, his voice began to flutter and his hands began to tremble.  It was obvious that this was a man not usually taken over by his emotions and he was struggling to keep them in check. With the full attention of the room, he cautioned each and every one of us to not lose sight of what is important in our quest for success.  To remember that success is not only measured by the accolades that one receives in their profession, but also by the other lives touched and enhanced.  He closed by saying that he deeply regretted not spending more time with both his wife and son and that he hoped we all wouldn’t make the same mistake.

Afterwards, I began to ponder my own life and whether or not I was successfully balancing the demands of my career with the demands of my personal life.  Honestly, overall I think I have done fairly well, which is all any of us can expect.  In my opinion, the secret to having it all is to understand that you won’t have it all at the same time.  For example, on days when work is particularly demanding, you might not make it home in time to share quality time with those you love or find time for your favorite hobby.  Other days, you may have a personal obligation, such as charitable or bar related service, which requires your immediate attention and therefore you are unable to work to the peak of your capacity.  Still other days you may be so close to burning out that you simply must take some uninterrupted time for yourself before you can do anything else.  Each of these days requires a different direction of focus and yet when you look at them together you see that each resulted in full attention being given to a different aspect of life: career, others, and self.  As long as the rotation is even, this balancing act can work, and over time, result in an even level of success in all areas.  The key is being honest with oneself as to which areas are worth focusing on and to what extent.

So, as I prepare to return to a career in the law that I truly cherish and have worked hard to achieve, I’m going to enjoy these last few weeks of focusing on my newborn sons because before you know it, they will be grown men leading successful lives of their own.